im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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