That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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