I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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