The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
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Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
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Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
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