I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
