five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
