Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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