what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
