He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
