Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
