she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
