hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize