oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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