Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
