DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
