Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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