I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
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