I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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