Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Randomize
