I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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