You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
