There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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