I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
