I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
