You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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