The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
