Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
