dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
