I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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