i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I forgot how hot balto sounded
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
