I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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