i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
