Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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