Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
