jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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