Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
