God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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