This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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