mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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