i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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