just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
