I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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