I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
