you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
The convent might be a nice break from real life
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
