I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
