Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Randomize
