Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
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Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
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he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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