Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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