my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
