i already hear my dad disowning me
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
