I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Randomize
