I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
