so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
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When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
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I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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