I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
