And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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