Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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