i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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